I started a new sales job. I am out all day and tired when I get home, mostly because I am fighting off all of the colds going around. Thanks to Airborne, and other home remedies, I haven't gotten full blown sick. ~knocks on wood~
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The holidays have been a whirlwind, as you can see. I haven't even posted about my Thanksgiving in Yuma, AZ...yet.
I started a new sales job. I am out all day and tired when I get home, mostly because I am fighting off all of the colds going around. Thanks to Airborne, and other home remedies, I haven't gotten full blown sick. ~knocks on wood~
I am cutting this short because I need to get pictures of Thanksgiving and this isn't a real post. ~winks~
I started a new sales job. I am out all day and tired when I get home, mostly because I am fighting off all of the colds going around. Thanks to Airborne, and other home remedies, I haven't gotten full blown sick. ~knocks on wood~
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Veterans Day Saved by a Pink Towel
I am a 'Daughter of the American Revolution' and 'A Daughter of the Confederacy' what these titles mean literally is: my family fought in wars.
It didn't stop there. Both of my grandfathers, great uncles, daddy, and all of my uncles are all veterans. To say that I am intimately connected to Veterans Day is an understatement.
My family's service in defense of our freedom and, ultimately, our country, has spanned out over seven wars. Including the Alamo with Davy Crockett (yes, he is actually a cousin) and World War II as people heard the voice of Winston Churchill (he is also a relative).
I'm not attempting to name drop (even though it may seem that way). I am attempting to portray exactly how close my family has been in the battle for not only our freedom, but for freedom, in general.
Today is a day set aside to remember all of our veterans and I just want to say, "THANK YOU!"
We may all be speaking Spanish, German, Japanese, Chinese, or Russian as a native language had it not been for your bravery.
I spent my day cleaning and spilled a bucket of cleanser, I was saved by a pink towel. I don't even like pink and it really wasn't a big deal in the grand scheme of what others have sacrificed. Our country, the United States of America, has been through so much and my relatives have been on the front lines of that struggle.
"O! say can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
O! say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?"
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
O! say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?"
This is a poster from 1945
I won't cry over spilled buckets.
Freedom & Bravery,
Emily Ann Selden
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
And the winner is...
Allyce Castillo!
You have won this fabulous book.
Since I already have your address I will be sending that to you very soon.
I appreciate both of you who entered the contest.
I will be having another giveaway very soon- if you missed this one, be sure to subscribe to find out when!
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Remember, Remember the Fifth of November
Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot...
Infamous in England, November 5th serves as a reminder of what happens to traitors. November 5, 1605 Guy Fawkes was caught in the cellars of the Houses of Parliament with several dozen barrels of gunpowder. He and his co-conspirators were found and sentenced to death. In 1606 the tradition began, effigies of Guy are burnt, fireworks are in the air, to commemorate the day and the rhyme was created.
The people remember the plot that almost blew up Parliament, however, more importantly, they remember to remind them what happens when you plot treason. (Too bad it has not helped worth a hill of beans!)
Alright, let's stop right there-
I do not want to delve into the politics of that last statement.
It is time for a giveaway! ~jumps up & down~
That's right! I am giving away a new book, that I hope you find as fun as I do.
The book is full of wonderful art with intriguing questions in it to allow you to explore your imagination. This could be a great homeschooling tool or for some quality "you" time.
I love a "Starry Night" so the cover just drew me in! I am a huge fan of Van Gogh, especially, and Art, in general. And, as artists are also usually rebels and getting into the thick of politics this all seems to tie in together.
To enter just leave a comment about your favorite artist, piece of history, or both. I will choose the winner on Monday night. Please pass this along to your friends.
Many Thanks! ;)
Emily
The people remember the plot that almost blew up Parliament, however, more importantly, they remember to remind them what happens when you plot treason. (Too bad it has not helped worth a hill of beans!)
Alright, let's stop right there-
I do not want to delve into the politics of that last statement.
It is time for a giveaway! ~jumps up & down~
That's right! I am giving away a new book, that I hope you find as fun as I do.
The Wisdom of a Starry Night: Using the Power of Great Art For Self Awareness
By: Sharon Marson
~please forgive the mailing mess, I had to find the light~
I love a "Starry Night" so the cover just drew me in! I am a huge fan of Van Gogh, especially, and Art, in general. And, as artists are also usually rebels and getting into the thick of politics this all seems to tie in together.
To enter just leave a comment about your favorite artist, piece of history, or both. I will choose the winner on Monday night. Please pass this along to your friends.
Many Thanks! ;)
Emily
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Spooky Anniversary
My Anniversary is on Halloween. This was our second Halloween Anniversary. My husband and I decided to go to see films for the occasion. The first one we went to see is "The Time-Traveler's Wife" which I found interesting and artfully done, however,the plot lacked in a major way in a major place. Thankfully, this was at the dollar movie!
Second, we seen "Boondock Saints: All Saints Day" which was a sequel to a movie I really enjoy, this installment kept up in the tradition of the first. It is not a family movie and they could have done without a couple of scenes, however, that is true of the first one, as well. A really creative plot, excellent acting, and great film production.
This what I call a non-PC, as in politically correct, and is not for the faint of heart. I'm not certain I would recommend it to most people.
Nice people.
"G to PG-rated' people.
It is a very manly, shoot 'em up, has foul language, and questionable content, but other than that is a really great movie with an excellent plot.
This what I call a non-PC, as in politically correct, and is not for the faint of heart. I'm not certain I would recommend it to most people.
Nice people.
"G to PG-rated' people.
It is a very manly, shoot 'em up, has foul language, and questionable content, but other than that is a really great movie with an excellent plot.
****
Stuffing the treat bags!
We never have trick-or-treaters in our neighborhood.
Instead of buying candy for the kids, James, my hubby, and I decided to create treat bags for our family, friends, and tenants.
Basically, instead of skipping the buying of candy we just transferred it to another type of giveaway.
This the finished product.
Filled with treats carmels, butterscotch, rootbeer barrels, buttercream candies and a mystery candy with a jackalantern wrapper.
I like them and the folks who received them seemed to like them.
~grin~
I just love being crafty and festive, it is probably why I love the holidays so very much.
Love & Merriment,
Emily Ann Selden
Friday, October 30, 2009
Rentals, and cleaning, and shopping, oh my!
Here we are on Halloween Eve and the days have gotten away with me.
Last night, I was helping to put together make-up and costuming for friends who are more like family. With my background as a make-up artist, having designed shows and taught Make-up at our local community College for a couple of semesters, I was commanded to be there.
~grin~
We turned Rosie into a gypsy with some help from some of my extra shiny clothes, a blond wig, and scraps of peasant with shiny fabric. Morgan, Connie's toddler daughter, was already set, she is going to be Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. We turned Connie into Poison Ivy with some help from Youtube Halloween make-up videos:
Kandee Johnson creates Uma Thurman Poison Ivy you really have to forward to the tutorial because Kandee is silly, yet fun. ;)
I used these with another one (that I couldn't find actually!) and created a good foliage effect. Using four different shades of green, three from Bare Escentual's line, we create a vine pattern from the eyeliner and really-I wish I had taken photos for this bit of fun!
~looks down, ashamed of herself~
You can tell I'm new to this blogging business! Well, I will make this up to y'all somehow.
After make-up goodness, I headed off for some swimming and sauna time at the gym. The sauna felt so good now that the weather has turned cooler here. I needed sauna time after doing quite a bit of cleaning in rentals my husband, James, and I own. Some of our tenants just abandoned them- owing money, of course! (That's why they just left without saying a word!)- and some just gave notice and left.
So we have been working on cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning. I began this post with the good part! Perhaps we should go on to better topics...
Happy Halloween everyone! Please have fun and be safe and, on that note, I'm going to show you what every momma or daddy needs!
I found this on one of my favorite blogs, mom4life.com- Parking Pal
Love & Merriment,
Emily
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Have you been BOOed?
~Ding Dong~ You go to your door and there, on your front porch, is an adorable package. You look up and don't see anyone there and quickly look down again. This time you notice the tag "Happy Halloween! You've just been BOOed!" You smile while you inspect the happy gift.
Apparently in some small towns this is a seasonal occurrence come September 30 or affectionately referred to by some as "October Eve".
Maybe your neighborhood BOOs? All of the Halloween fans create lovely gifts leaving a package containing treats, poems, and a ghost for your door (to prove you have already been BOOed).
Some people just create a package for one and some include extras so you can just pass on the fun with your own package and you just need to supply the treats, others just give instructions on how to share the BOOing sensation.
As part of celebrating the Halloween season who wouldn't enjoy being part of the BOO tradition? Wouldn't you love to be BOO'd this year? How about BOOing others?
I knew you would. :)
If you don't have BOOing in your neighborhood now is the time to begin. We still have 13 days until All Hallow's Eve and I am presenting BOO kits as part of my Happy Hallow's Eve collection. Please click the link to my Etsy store for more pictures.
BOO well & BOO often! Please BOO responsibly. ;)
Apparently in some small towns this is a seasonal occurrence come September 30 or affectionately referred to by some as "October Eve".
Maybe your neighborhood BOOs? All of the Halloween fans create lovely gifts leaving a package containing treats, poems, and a ghost for your door (to prove you have already been BOOed).
Some people just create a package for one and some include extras so you can just pass on the fun with your own package and you just need to supply the treats, others just give instructions on how to share the BOOing sensation.
As part of celebrating the Halloween season who wouldn't enjoy being part of the BOO tradition? Wouldn't you love to be BOO'd this year? How about BOOing others?
I knew you would. :)
If you don't have BOOing in your neighborhood now is the time to begin. We still have 13 days until All Hallow's Eve and I am presenting BOO kits as part of my Happy Hallow's Eve collection. Please click the link to my Etsy store for more pictures.
BOO well & BOO often! Please BOO responsibly. ;)
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Day of Rememberance, Month of Awareness
Perhaps it is because so many people do not want to acknowledge life inside the womb that baby loss is just not talked about. I know until we lost our baby I had no idea how much grief was all around me because of the loss of a baby. Even though I believe everything happens for a reason, I still think that these are our babies and we knew them even if others didn't. It is important for us to remember and it is important for us to share what we are feeling in the way we feel comfortable. Parents dealing with baby loss are finally being acknowledged.
As I found on Mom4Life.com: October has been designated as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month", with October 15 as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day".
~waves~ Thank you, Heather!
And from her link to http://pregnancylossribbons.blogspot.com/:
Tomorrow night there is a 'Wave of Light' to be held at 7pm- you are encouraged to light a candle and place it outside for at least an hour. In that way there will be a wave of light throughout the timezones as these candles help remember our children.
Also, tomorrow morning I will have a post here so we all can add our babies names. However did this blog get 90 followers? And yet I know that is the tip of the iceberg for grieving moms. ((HUGS)) to us all.
I hope today is gentle for you-
peace-
emily
~waves~ Thank you, Emily!
I was hoping to write about my new creations, but I felt this was more important to post. If you have experienced a loss please add your babies name and anything else you would like to share in the comments section. As no words can console...
May the good Lord bless you and keep you...
Many Thanks!
Emily AKA Firedaisy
Friday, October 09, 2009
International Relations & A Day of Firsts
Yesterday was marked by a series of firsts. Some business related, some practical skills, and all important steps.
I sent my first international package!
It was a package headed for Greece. I had never shipped internationally before, so, I have to admit, I was anxious about figuring out how to get it right. I knew I had to bubble wrap and pack everything well. That was step one. I paid for postage online through paypal and that made life much easier. The "next steps" section told me I needed a customs envelope and I went to a local post office that walked me through the rest of the steps.
~waves to Sandy in Oro Grande~ Thanks, Sandy!
Basically, the other steps involve paperwork, and an extra label, that way, when customs pulls the customs envelope off, the address would still be on the box. I already had a tracking number and the package was sent along with our taxes (which were quickly finished by our CPA, Gary, the night before. Thanks, Gary!)
After the mail, My husband, James, and I showed a vacant rental in Oro Grande to perspective tenants. We shall see how that turns out, the folks were nice enough. Then, we headed out to the ranch to see about a truck that needed an engine put back together, I mention this because this was a first for me, as well. I always wanted to learn how to do mechanic work. I know this sounds strange to most people, and I know it takes a certain amount of long hours to know what you are doing mechanically. However, I have good reasons for this version of insanity. Mostly, because my cars liked to break!
Early on in my car owning history, I felt the need to wean myself from a mechanics mercy. Learning an engine never had space in my agenda, though, until it happened yesterday. I helped to put fuel injectors back together! It was so exciting! To actually begin to understand an engine, as James explained everything and allowed me to help solve the puzzle of rebuilding fuel injectors.
I ended this busy day by browsing through Etsy forum topics and found Susan Sheehan's topic about Twitter- learning even more new things. Her topic led me to her fabulous blog which can be found in "blogs I enjoy & follow" to the left. This enlightened me to Etsy hacks which are wonderful. I will save that for tomorrow, though. ;)
All in all it was a productive day and, now, I know how to ship internationally! Yay!
I won't go so far as to say I know how to rebuild an engine, though! ;)
I sent my first international package!
It was a package headed for Greece. I had never shipped internationally before, so, I have to admit, I was anxious about figuring out how to get it right. I knew I had to bubble wrap and pack everything well. That was step one. I paid for postage online through paypal and that made life much easier. The "next steps" section told me I needed a customs envelope and I went to a local post office that walked me through the rest of the steps.
~waves to Sandy in Oro Grande~ Thanks, Sandy!
Basically, the other steps involve paperwork, and an extra label, that way, when customs pulls the customs envelope off, the address would still be on the box. I already had a tracking number and the package was sent along with our taxes (which were quickly finished by our CPA, Gary, the night before. Thanks, Gary!)
After the mail, My husband, James, and I showed a vacant rental in Oro Grande to perspective tenants. We shall see how that turns out, the folks were nice enough. Then, we headed out to the ranch to see about a truck that needed an engine put back together, I mention this because this was a first for me, as well. I always wanted to learn how to do mechanic work. I know this sounds strange to most people, and I know it takes a certain amount of long hours to know what you are doing mechanically. However, I have good reasons for this version of insanity. Mostly, because my cars liked to break!
Early on in my car owning history, I felt the need to wean myself from a mechanics mercy. Learning an engine never had space in my agenda, though, until it happened yesterday. I helped to put fuel injectors back together! It was so exciting! To actually begin to understand an engine, as James explained everything and allowed me to help solve the puzzle of rebuilding fuel injectors.
I ended this busy day by browsing through Etsy forum topics and found Susan Sheehan's topic about Twitter- learning even more new things. Her topic led me to her fabulous blog which can be found in "blogs I enjoy & follow" to the left. This enlightened me to Etsy hacks which are wonderful. I will save that for tomorrow, though. ;)
All in all it was a productive day and, now, I know how to ship internationally! Yay!
I won't go so far as to say I know how to rebuild an engine, though! ;)
Friday, October 02, 2009
Fe.Fi.Fo. Felicity Fiona Foy
I wasn't certain that I would be able to share my story of Fe. Fi. Fo. and how my Etsy shop received the name. I had to, though. "What is the point if you don't share the story" is what I kept asking myself. Of course, I quickly replied, "well, it's a cute name, and it's dedicated to our daughter, they don't need to hear the story-it will just make them sad and they won't want to hear it." Obviously, I was arguing with myself.
Mostly, though, I was running from grief.
If you are looking for a happy story, I'm afraid this isn't it.
Fe Fi Fo was supposed to be a cute nickname of sorts- her daddy would call her rumbling "Fe Fi Fo!" teasingly, and she would squeal with delight because James would use his "Giant" voice. This was one of our dreams as we were deciding on names for our first baby. We thought the name was beautiful, perfect for a little girl. Felicity Fiona Foy (Fe Fi Fo) means happiness and light. We thought she would be a perfectly delightful child, if meanings of names meant anything at all.
We didn't know if we were going to have a boy or a girl. We didn't want to know- we wanted a pleasant surprise. If it was a boy he was going to be named Patrick James Foy. Either way, we didn't care as long as we had a healthy baby. Everyday we prayed for a healthy child. All of the prenatal visits went well and suddenly we were at 33weeks (eight months) the home stretch. We were feeling so blessed and so lucky. Being both the oldest in our families without having children, we were surrounded by excited friends and family.
It was such an exciting time for me! I had always wanted children and, now, finally, I had what I had been praying for: a wonderful husband and a baby on the way- family. And right on time, too! I had wanted to have a baby before I turned 35 and she was right on time with a due date of August 25th, 2009. I prayed and prayed that everything would be okay.
I have to admit here, before going further, I had been a lazy and scared Christian. Lazy because I haven't been to church in awhile and scared because I hadn't been sharing my faith in Jesus. It was a bitter pill to swallow when I realized God doesn't always give us what we want- not even if it is our heart's fondest desire. But I am getting ahead of myself.
I was seeing a midwife as I was insistent on having a home birth. Everything was going well, I was eating well, taking my vitamins, and walking. There was no sign of any problems. The heartbeat was strong, my weight was good, and all of my tests were normal. Nothing could have prepared me, though, for the prenatal appointment where we couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. We went straight to Loma Linda and, after two ultrasounds confirmed our worst fears, I sat in shock.
I had tried to not believe it was true when we had trouble finding the heartbeat at home- "the baby likes to hide, it had done that before" I told myself, to try to stop the trembling. The breakdown that I, and everyone else in the room- two MD's, my midwife, my husband, thought would come at the confirmation, didn't. The one MD left the room and the other told me she thought I should stay in the hospital and induce.
It was a nightmare, a surreal version of reality that left me lifeless and unsure- "I had to wake up from this, this isn't happening, I can't wake up from this!"- but I stayed calm. I knew what I wanted and it was to go home. I was still going to have a home birth. I wasn't going to let that be taken away from me and my baby, too. I told the doctor, who tried to talk me out of it, that I still wanted a homebirth. I didn't know if my midwife would be okay with that, though. At the time, I hadn't thought about whether my midwife was willing to deliver a stillbirth.
Ali, my midwife, agreed to the delivery as we were walking out through the sliding doors of Loma Linda, heading home after an eventful day. I still hadn't cried. I think I was in shock. Neither of us had, James nor myself. On the Cajon pass we took the slow road through the canyon, we discussed the hopeless situation and we cried.
At home, when I was alone, I broke down. I cried and cried. I cried for my baby that I would not meet and for everyone who had been so excited for us. I cried that I still looked pregnant, yet, my dream was shattered. And I still had to deliver the baby. I asked Jesus "Why!? Why did you take our baby!?" At one point I thought it was okay for me, but "why did James have to go through this? He wasn't a backsliding Christian!" He was a good man, "couldn't you have let him have a healthy baby, Lord?!" I asked so many questions! I yelled at God at the top of my lungs when no one else could hear.
And then James and I prayed together, asking the best one "Can you just give us peace, Lord, not to know your ways, but to accept them and to accept that you know what's best?"
And he did.
And I stopped beating myself up.
I clung to the passage, "I can do all things through Christ." Phil. 4:13. It was on a ceramic trivet in my kitchen, I had picked it up at the thrift store for a quarter- before I was even pregnant. I would read it several times everyday along with my bible. I was reading the book of Job. "Job went through so much, I have nothing to cry about in comparison to Job!" I told myself.
The calm and the peace that came from Jesus made it all bearable. On July 9th we had confirmed the worst. At home, I had began taking herbs and tinctures to help naturally induce labor. On July 12th, 2009 at 3:30am I started having fast contractions. At 7:46 am I delivered our 1lb 4oz baby girl into the world, at home. In the most spiritual event I have ever been to. We sprinkled frankincense on her and prayed that Jesus would take her into his arms. I had felt the presence of God all around us, the air was thick with His presence.
It was so strong. It was like a blanket comforting me.
Once Felicity was wrapped in a blanket I cleaned up and rested in the study. I didn’t think to go and see her little body one more time before the Coroner came and took her away- that is my one regret. I nodded off at some point, and when I woke up Ali showed me the hand and footprints she had gotten. They were not very good because it was hard to do; Ali did her best getting each little finger individually.
The police arrived first, once the Coroner was called, and the Coroner showed up later. They were busy over the body and then they asked us questions. We were blessed with a sympathetic Coroner- she had lost two children. She told us it was nothing they could see that had caused a stillbirth. Again, "everything looks normal". The last I seen of my Felicity was her wrapped in a crocheted baby blanket being carried by one of the Coroner’s assistants out the door, which I thought at the time was very thoughtful and sensitive, that they used a crocheted baby blanket.
I will miss her everyday of my life, I know that. It is something I will carry with me from now until the day that I die: the knowledge of my little daughter, my Felicity Fiona, my first born. Even if others can't see that I am a mother, I know that I am. She had my hands, her father’s ears, and beautiful eyes that I wonder what they would have looked like- would they have been a green blue like mine or James, or some combination? Answers I won’t have until later. I miss the other simple things I would have experienced had she lived: the color of her hair, the softness of her skin, the smell of her after a bath, and so many other little moments.
I know that we will meet her someday and, until then, I will share my story of how I have a little girl and she is with Jesus. And how it has renewed my faith.
I had a baby. I am a mother.
Even if you can't see it.
And that is why I dedicated my Etsy shop to her. To share who she is and how I am changed for the better because of it, in the only way I can, by telling her story and remembering her name. Little Felicity Fiona Foy, our hero...
Fe. Fi. Fo.
Mostly, though, I was running from grief.
If you are looking for a happy story, I'm afraid this isn't it.
Fe Fi Fo was supposed to be a cute nickname of sorts- her daddy would call her rumbling "Fe Fi Fo!" teasingly, and she would squeal with delight because James would use his "Giant" voice. This was one of our dreams as we were deciding on names for our first baby. We thought the name was beautiful, perfect for a little girl. Felicity Fiona Foy (Fe Fi Fo) means happiness and light. We thought she would be a perfectly delightful child, if meanings of names meant anything at all.
We didn't know if we were going to have a boy or a girl. We didn't want to know- we wanted a pleasant surprise. If it was a boy he was going to be named Patrick James Foy. Either way, we didn't care as long as we had a healthy baby. Everyday we prayed for a healthy child. All of the prenatal visits went well and suddenly we were at 33weeks (eight months) the home stretch. We were feeling so blessed and so lucky. Being both the oldest in our families without having children, we were surrounded by excited friends and family.
It was such an exciting time for me! I had always wanted children and, now, finally, I had what I had been praying for: a wonderful husband and a baby on the way- family. And right on time, too! I had wanted to have a baby before I turned 35 and she was right on time with a due date of August 25th, 2009. I prayed and prayed that everything would be okay.
I have to admit here, before going further, I had been a lazy and scared Christian. Lazy because I haven't been to church in awhile and scared because I hadn't been sharing my faith in Jesus. It was a bitter pill to swallow when I realized God doesn't always give us what we want- not even if it is our heart's fondest desire. But I am getting ahead of myself.
I was seeing a midwife as I was insistent on having a home birth. Everything was going well, I was eating well, taking my vitamins, and walking. There was no sign of any problems. The heartbeat was strong, my weight was good, and all of my tests were normal. Nothing could have prepared me, though, for the prenatal appointment where we couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. We went straight to Loma Linda and, after two ultrasounds confirmed our worst fears, I sat in shock.
I had tried to not believe it was true when we had trouble finding the heartbeat at home- "the baby likes to hide, it had done that before" I told myself, to try to stop the trembling. The breakdown that I, and everyone else in the room- two MD's, my midwife, my husband, thought would come at the confirmation, didn't. The one MD left the room and the other told me she thought I should stay in the hospital and induce.
It was a nightmare, a surreal version of reality that left me lifeless and unsure- "I had to wake up from this, this isn't happening, I can't wake up from this!"- but I stayed calm. I knew what I wanted and it was to go home. I was still going to have a home birth. I wasn't going to let that be taken away from me and my baby, too. I told the doctor, who tried to talk me out of it, that I still wanted a homebirth. I didn't know if my midwife would be okay with that, though. At the time, I hadn't thought about whether my midwife was willing to deliver a stillbirth.
Ali, my midwife, agreed to the delivery as we were walking out through the sliding doors of Loma Linda, heading home after an eventful day. I still hadn't cried. I think I was in shock. Neither of us had, James nor myself. On the Cajon pass we took the slow road through the canyon, we discussed the hopeless situation and we cried.
At home, when I was alone, I broke down. I cried and cried. I cried for my baby that I would not meet and for everyone who had been so excited for us. I cried that I still looked pregnant, yet, my dream was shattered. And I still had to deliver the baby. I asked Jesus "Why!? Why did you take our baby!?" At one point I thought it was okay for me, but "why did James have to go through this? He wasn't a backsliding Christian!" He was a good man, "couldn't you have let him have a healthy baby, Lord?!" I asked so many questions! I yelled at God at the top of my lungs when no one else could hear.
And then James and I prayed together, asking the best one "Can you just give us peace, Lord, not to know your ways, but to accept them and to accept that you know what's best?"
And he did.
And I stopped beating myself up.
I clung to the passage, "I can do all things through Christ." Phil. 4:13. It was on a ceramic trivet in my kitchen, I had picked it up at the thrift store for a quarter- before I was even pregnant. I would read it several times everyday along with my bible. I was reading the book of Job. "Job went through so much, I have nothing to cry about in comparison to Job!" I told myself.
The calm and the peace that came from Jesus made it all bearable. On July 9th we had confirmed the worst. At home, I had began taking herbs and tinctures to help naturally induce labor. On July 12th, 2009 at 3:30am I started having fast contractions. At 7:46 am I delivered our 1lb 4oz baby girl into the world, at home. In the most spiritual event I have ever been to. We sprinkled frankincense on her and prayed that Jesus would take her into his arms. I had felt the presence of God all around us, the air was thick with His presence.
It was so strong. It was like a blanket comforting me.
Once Felicity was wrapped in a blanket I cleaned up and rested in the study. I didn’t think to go and see her little body one more time before the Coroner came and took her away- that is my one regret. I nodded off at some point, and when I woke up Ali showed me the hand and footprints she had gotten. They were not very good because it was hard to do; Ali did her best getting each little finger individually.
The police arrived first, once the Coroner was called, and the Coroner showed up later. They were busy over the body and then they asked us questions. We were blessed with a sympathetic Coroner- she had lost two children. She told us it was nothing they could see that had caused a stillbirth. Again, "everything looks normal". The last I seen of my Felicity was her wrapped in a crocheted baby blanket being carried by one of the Coroner’s assistants out the door, which I thought at the time was very thoughtful and sensitive, that they used a crocheted baby blanket.
I will miss her everyday of my life, I know that. It is something I will carry with me from now until the day that I die: the knowledge of my little daughter, my Felicity Fiona, my first born. Even if others can't see that I am a mother, I know that I am. She had my hands, her father’s ears, and beautiful eyes that I wonder what they would have looked like- would they have been a green blue like mine or James, or some combination? Answers I won’t have until later. I miss the other simple things I would have experienced had she lived: the color of her hair, the softness of her skin, the smell of her after a bath, and so many other little moments.
I know that we will meet her someday and, until then, I will share my story of how I have a little girl and she is with Jesus. And how it has renewed my faith.
I had a baby. I am a mother.
Even if you can't see it.
And that is why I dedicated my Etsy shop to her. To share who she is and how I am changed for the better because of it, in the only way I can, by telling her story and remembering her name. Little Felicity Fiona Foy, our hero...
Fe. Fi. Fo.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Falling for Fall!
I am such an admirer of Autumn. It is definitely my favorite season. That is probably because my favorite colors are on display everywhere you look. Or, perhaps, it is because it is just such a wonderful time of the year. Even at a young age I was falling for Fall. It is a magnificent time and ushers in the Christmas season beautifully. I love the season so much I decided on an October wedding. I was married on Halloween! :)
Alfonse Mucha is one of my favorite artists. Here he used the Autumn Palette beautifully!
This is an ad for an Autumn soap.
At Fe.Fi.Fo. you will see many treasures that reflect these colors of Fall. I am working on creating Halloween items and Harvest goodies for everyone, as well. This is so exciting for me, my art will be on Etsy for the very first time! *does a happy dance* You see, I have been a fan of Etsy for a few years. Now, I have finally created my own Etsy place.
Hopefully, y'all will let me know what you think of my shop (and my blog)! ;)
Be Merry & Enjoy! :)
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Emily's books
This is classified young adult but is one of the most fantastic stories and shows what life was like before the Shaw was overthrown in Iran.